A Flight Plan for Helicopter Parents - Timelines

In our first post on this topic, we talked about how students need a "low ground cover" helicopter parents.

Helicopter parenting gets a bad rap.

And rightly so when we're talking about "low ground control" parenting.

That's not what we are suggesting here.

Instead, we believe all adolescents need a parent figure to help keep all the balls in the air.

And someone to prevent a mile long car pile up on the highway of your adolescent's brain - the Corpus Collosum.

Here then is where you can start with your student.

Map out timeline(s).

There are three timelines you want to help map out for your student.

Standardized Test.  The goal is for the student to take both tests once, and one of the test a total of three times. Students applying to highly selective schools will want to take 2-3 SAT II Subject Tests in May or June.

College Visits. Map out dates/times during breaks that you can visit schools. Parents should take the lead on coordinating visits. College web sites have information regarding tour times. They also have info regarding state/school admission rep. For the "tourist season", you will want to catch a tour and try to schedule an informal meeting with our rep (email rep to schedule time). For the "buyers season", the colleges often contact you to try and get your student out for a "shopper's preview".

College Application. The key is to nail where the student will apply, when they will apply, and what kind of application they will submit. We encourage our students to apply to "rolling" schools (often public universities) in Sept/Oct, then focus on "Early" applications (whether Early Decision [ED], Early Action [EA], or SCEA [Single Choice Early Action]) in Oct./Nov., and then "ED2"/Regular admissions (2nd Early Decision round - schools like Vanderbilt, Emory, Davidson offer this).  Most of our students average 4-5 applications.  We preach the old adage:  "Eight is enough."  Some students apply to fewer than 4.  Other students apply to more than 8.  Ultimately that decision is up to the student and family.

Admission Terms: Rolling: non-binding; public institutions; apply July-May; quick turnaround with results. ED 1: Early Decision; binding; public/private schools; usually Nov. 1 deadline; mid-Dec. results. ED 2: Early Decision; binding; usually a Jan. deadline; mid-March result. SCEA: Single Choice Early Action; non-binding; May 1 to decide; apply to only one school (public universities are excluded); Nov. 1/15 deadline; "bear trap" watch out! ("hook" students only). EA 1: Early Action; non-binding; May 1 to decide; usually a Nov. deadline. EA 2:  Early Action;  non-binding;   May 1 to decide;  usually a December-January deadline. Regular: non-binding; May 1 to decide; usually a Dec-Jan deadline.

A Flight Plan for Helicopter Parent, An Introduction

Anytime I mention "Helicopter Parent" to a parent of a high school kid, they are quick to deflect any possible affiliation with that label.

My response, I think that a parent who isn't a helicopter parent during the college process hurts their child.

Now let me first delineate between the two types of helicopter parents.

There is the helicopter parent who provides their child low ground cover.

And there is the helicopter parent who provides their child low ground control.

The former parent helps their student manage the stress that comes with the college process.

The latter parent contributes to their student's stress that comes with the college process.

And there will be inevitable stress.

Recently in The Chronicle of Higher Education, there was an article on how pets experience stress during the college process. The study revealed that their owners don’t pet pets enough during the waiting period, which as a result, heightens the pet's stress level.

So if pets experience stress during this process, you can bet that parents will. And certainly the student.

Too often we forget that this is the first foray for many of these kids into the "adult world". This will be the first time they are critiqued, judged, evaluated, accepted, or rejected. In our hyper therapeutic, self-esteem culture, our kids have grown up being told how amazing they are. It's like the kid who sings in the living room to an audience of family members one day and the next day is standing in line to audition with 20,000 other living-room singers for American Idol.

It's one thing right to sing in front of Aunt Bethany and Uncle Fred and Grandpa Glenny.  It's quite another thing when it's Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson.

Two summers ago I had a chance to sit under the teaching of Dr. JoAnn Deak. Dr. Deak is the leading field researcher at The Ohio State University on adolescent brain development.

In her session on "Understanding the Adolescent Brain," she opened by saying point blank: "You are going against neurobiology. The adolescent brain is not equipped to handle the stresses and strains that 17-18 years old are put under, especially when it comes to the college process."

Dr.Deak explained how the Corpus collosum is under massive construction during the teenage years. Dr. Deaks compared the Corpus collosum to a 10-lane highway, like I-5 in LA. In order for teens to be able to think, organize, judge, and make morally sound, non-destructive decisions, "all lanes" on the Cc have to be open. What often happens though is that stress causes the Amygdala (feeling center) to swell, which then triggers a suppression of the Prefrontal cortex, which then causes the "highway to shut down". What ensues is a series of emotional, academic, and volitional "crashes".

This series of events often happens more in boys than girls. Ever wonder why your 17-year-old boy acts like a 5 year old? Now you know.

So what the new brain research shows is that adolescence is the worst time for organization. Many times kids are trying to juggle 10 balls with one hand and a finger.

This is then why we need to help create a flight plan that prevents our kids from crashing into a mountain.

So with that said, let's look at 6 ways we can help our kids navigate through the turbulence and around the mountains that are sure to come.

The "Deny Impulse" - Scapegoating

College Coaching Video #3: Best College Fit

At Casady our college counseling mission is to partner with students to discern the best college fit. 

We use five broad categories to help students find the colleges that are a good match.

There are many organic threads of dialogue based off these broad categories that we have with students over many months and conversations.

It's always amazing how things begin to come into focus for a student and parent by just reflecting and answering honestly in regards to each category.

I would invite you to enter into discussion with your student (or reflection) about these categories to help begin to "narrow the focus" in terms of what kind of college ethos will be that excellent fit.

College Coaching Video #2: "The Bucket List"

Happy New Year.

We are wrapping up the application season with our seniors.

Most seniors applying into Regular admission pools have clicked the "Submit" button.

All green arrows on the Common Application.
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Now we make the seismic shift to the 11th grade class.

This Friday we begin our College Seminar.

The first major phase of the college search process involves two things.

Reflection.

And research.

The former involves bending inward intentionally to explore the contours of self.

"Know thyself" is a helpful prerequisite to "know thy college".

The latter involves investing ample time and energies into researching the college landscape.

We will equip our students with a number of "handles" they can use primarily through Naviance to explore the horizons of possible college fits.

In between, we will encourage our students to begin to really formulate a bucket list.

To identify and enumerate what specific experiences they want to have during their college years.

Some students' bucket lists will have the same items.

Study abroad.  Double major.  Tailgating in September.

Other students' bucket lists will have very different items.

Live in a major city.  Do research in nano technology.  Study aviation.

This "bucket list" exercise is, of course, a very fluid process.

It evolves over the college search, apply, and selection process.

Deferred - Now What?

Right after the student viewed the admission decision online, I received a text with the news.

The d word.

Not the the black-and-white, upper case D word.

But the grey, lower case d word.

The former involves finality.

The latter involves liminality.

It's that space between.

Between good news and bad news.

Between congratulations and consolations.

Between Instagraming a picture in your new college sweatshirt and having your mom re-attach the price tags and return the clothing item. 

The Catholics have another word for this liminal existence.

Purgatory.

It certainly can feel like it anyway, when now the student has to wait another 3 months before they get a final decision.

But oh wait.

Even then the student may not get the black-and-white answer they seek.

There is this other Dante-esque mechanism that highly selective schools have created and utilized more and more in an age of application proliferation.

It's called the Wait List.

That's another blog post.

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So back to the defer letter.

It's all part of a new phenomenon where colleges can't make a decision on the applicant because they don't know what's coming in the regular admission cycle.

It's not uncommon then that more and more colleges are either admitting a more liberal number of early applicants to protect yield numbers.

Or colleges are admitting a more conservative number of early applicants to protect their yield numbers.

Check out early admission numbers for schools like Emory or Northwestern - and you'll see the former in action.

Check out the admission numbers for HYP's (Harvard Yale Princeton) and you'll see the latter in effect.

Yes, HYP's admit 18% or so of a much smaller applicant pool in early admissions.  (click here to see 2012 early admission statistics).

But of that18% - you will find that these schools took a liberal number of applicants who have a HOOK - recruited athlete, legacy tie, ethnic demographic, specifically Native American, Hispanic, African American, 1st generation kids.

So take out all of those admitted numbers and what do you have left?

You have Clark W. Griswold's tangled Christmas ball of 250 strands of electro lights!!!

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Two things selective/highly selective college admissions want up - application volume and yield.

One thing selective/highly college admissions want down - admit %.

So call defer what it is - it is a way of protecting a key variable like yield in the rankings game.

So what then should a student do if they are deferred?

First off, I tell my students to calibrate their expectations for a favorable result in regular admissions based on the selectivity of the school.

The rule of thumb:  the more selective the schools, the less likely the defer will come out of the cocoon in April shimmering like a bright butterfly.

The Big Three are notorious for deferring the lion's share of applicants.

It's what we like to call a "soft landing" approach for these schools.

They know that the student will be admitted to some schools in regular admissions, and therefore, they won't crash and burn emotionally when they get the disappointing news.

I've heard from countless colleagues with a wealth of experience that many of them have either not had a single student admitted in regular who was deferred by the top Ivies, or maybe one in 20 years.

If you are like Lloyd Christmas, then the whole one-in-a-million odds are still looking somewhat favorable to you.

Now Penn, for example, is an Ivy that publishes their admit numbers from defer. (click here to see profile)

Last year Penn admitted 99 of the 888 students they deferred.

That's about the same % as Penn admitted in regular admission.

But the odds are certainly better.

Now other schools, less selective, will probably admit a higher percentage of deferred students.

For our kids, for example, SMU deferred a number of them in their early action cycle.

They admitted all of them in regular admission last year.

What was critical for those kids is that they really demonstrated a high yield credential.

They stayed on the admission reps radar screen with an occasional e-mail that either highlighted something from the winter trimester, or asked an intelligent question.

For those kids, they took their winter trimester very seriously in the classroom.  They kept pushing even though they wanted to start coasting.

And for some, they had another person write a short recommendation letter that could provide another layer of insight.

One student just asked the admission rep via e-mail if there was something in his application that the rep found weak or in need of improvement before the next application review.

Believe it or not the rep gave this student some excellent feedback.

This student's supplemental "why us?" essay felt "generic and recyclable."

The student then followed-up with a question:  "Well, can I submit another supplemental essay?"

The admission rep said absolutely.

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In the end, I try to help my students see the defer letter as another opportunity.

An opportunity to go the extra mile to make your case.

An opportunity to put your money where your mouth is.

An opportunity to showcase some real grit and fortitude.

An opportunity to ferret out on Facebook what kinds of Christmas gift you can send the admission rep for their stocking. (kidding)

Denied! - Now What?

So you found coal in your stocking from your #1 college.

The Grinch stole your Christmas joy.

Now what?

First, take some time to lick your wounds. 

Engorge on Russel Stover's chocolate.  Drown your sorrows in some eggnog.  Suck your candy canes down into pointed darts and hurl them vindictively at your deny letter.

Good.

Necessary catharsis.

Remember while you are wolfing down gingerbread cookies that very few students get into ALL the schools they apply to.

In my six years, I can't even count 1 of my students who applied to selective and highly selective institutions that didn't get either denied or wait listed.

None of their application records went unblemished.

And yet all of them ended up at great schools!

Second, replenish your Mojo.

It's never easy to do this once you've expended your Mojo on writing essays and completing applications. 

But nevertheless, life is about finding ways to replenish the Mojo bottle and carry on.

At some point, you got to return to your Common Application portal and click on the supplements and start cranking out drafts, researching the colleges to really nuance your answer to the "why?" questions (click here to read my blog post on compelling supplemental essay writing).

Third, calibrate your Plan B college list.

The impulse in the mad scramble to meet Jan. 1 deadlines is to blast a staccato of applications to colleges that are as selective or more selective as the school you applied to in early admission.

I call this the horizontal approach.

Or the "X axis of selectivity" strategy.

The false logic here is to deduce that the more schools I apply to, the more likely I will get into one of these schools.

1+1+1+1+1 = at least 1+> admit. 

The truth is that the more schools you apply to in the same band of selectivity you were denied/deferred in, the less likely you will get into one of them.

The math in highly selective admissions just doesn't work that way.

Many times then 1+1+1+1+1 = 0.


My first college coaching video, in fact, explains this.

My advice then:  take a vertical approach.

Apply on a "Y-axis of selectivity".

If you weren't admitted to schools that admit 6-20%, then look to apply to schools that admit 25-50%.

If you weren't admitted to schools that admit 25-50%, then look to apply to schools that admit 51-60%.

We talk to our students about the 50/50 rule.

At least 50% of the schools you apply to need to be in a selectivity range where your credentials (GPA, test score) are equal to or above the school's profile.

We call these "likely" or "target" schools.

And 50% are below the school's profile.  

We call these "reach" schools.

Fourth, avoid recycling essays.

Everything inside of you is going to want and recycle essays.

In some cases this may work effectively.

But not when it comes to the "why"? supplements.

It's critical that you start over.

Do your research.

Focus on why you think that particular college fits you.

I had a colleague tell me after reading a student's "why"? essay that they could tell it was recycled.

It smacked of the generic.

This savvy reader could tell the student had simply inserted the name of their college.

"It's like a pick up line," the admission officer confided in me.  "You can tell this student had used it to court many colleges."

Fifth, control what you can control.

There is a lot in the college admission process, especially in highly selective admissions, that is beyond your control.

You can't control, for example, when a school like Vandy gets a 20% increase in ED I applications.

Or your gender.

Or the color of your skin.

But you can control, for example, if you are going to recycle essays or write new ones.

You can control how you perform academically in the classroom during the winter.

You can control whether or not you demonstrate interest to the colleges you are applying to in regular admission - emailing the rep occasionally with a winter highlight or an intelligent question.

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Getting over a deny is much easier said than done.

But it's just part of the college process in finding that right fit.

And know that you are not alone.

Most seniors out there are going through the same motions of returning to their applications over the holidays, writing supplemental essays, and clicking the submit button.

And know that all will work out.

In fact, I just had an alumni who popped in to say hello.

She was denied from her first two schools in ED 1 and ED II.

And guess what?

She loves where she is.

Her Plan C is now her happy Plan A.